Do you know when you have that first baby, how your world changes? How day becomes night, and night becomes day (well, depending on your babies sleep patterns, or lack thereof, or of your milk supply, or lack thereof, or your support, stamina, post birth healing, or lack thereof). That personalised life changing event and process of carrying your baby and birthing your first born is incredible. I loved it!! Yes, stitches and all, I loved it. PPH for first born and all, I loved it! No drugs and no lights, I loved it! Every which way I've given birth, has taught me and grown me so much as a woman. I feel honoured and blessed to have experienced all I have. And go back to repeat the process after first born to....you know...give it a better shot with all my new found understandings.....Isn't it funny, we are so clueless....well I was, first time round. It's yes sir, no sir, okay you want to do that sir, well you know best sir. I learnt, and I loved going back armed with. No mam, yes mam, I'll tell you when I'm ready mam, can you please help me now mam.
I guess I found a lot of strength from my body, overwhelming strength and earth mama stamina that impressed me and bore not just a baby, but an added confidence and almost a welcome badge into this massive birthing club. I realised that my mum had done this. Ha ha. Yeah, I had now felt what my mum did for me. Wow.
These life changing moments of awesome, splendor, wonder, and sometimes pure pain or confusion or frustration seems to happen over and over again in so many ways after that first born is in your life. My body had changed. My hormones were dancing somewhere in the heights and lows of another planet (and still are!), my thermostat broke, and all I wanted to do is be with this little baby. Well, that was me anyway!
Everything changes in small yet distinct ways. When you see your baby roll over, and suddenly crawl, and everything changes in your mind on where you can safely put the baby to watch and goo and gaa at the ceiling or some fangle dangle play thing. When they take their first steps, and are mobile, like little angels on slippery new feet with heavy heads that propel them towards the ground and hard surfaces, everything has changed. Your surroundings need meddling with accordingly if you want to keep that 100yr old vase for another 50years from great Aunty Min.
Who would have thought that a 24 hour 7 day a week, multi century role would bring so much joy, huh!? So much, growth, change, and continued adoration and energy to be the best at your mummy role. Your first born and you have journeyed through a massive part of their development and move through stage after stage, all for the first time for both of you!
I have often been singing, patting, humming, cuddling, drawing on back, lulling to sleep my first born, and been so overwhelmed with love, affection, and awe at the journey we have traveled together thus far, and how much I have learned from my first born, that I well up with tears, and I'm sure my first born feels the extra strength in my suffocating emotional hug in that moment, when I whisper how much I love and and thank him for being my first born and teaching me so much, and making me a mummy. If I'm lucky, my first born is awake, and says sleepily, love you too Mummy". Ahhhhhhhhhh. There is nothing quite like it.
Equally, when my first born cajoles me for speaking with angry frustration at any one of my children, or chastises me for questioning if my first born actually does know when they need to go to the toilet or not....I feel humbled, and part of something way bigger than being just a mum. I am humbled and excited at the prospect of a relationship that will be built with each of my children, based on so many wonderful communication techniques and examples we strive to give now. Though in the business and tiredness of life, sometimes I feel we fail miserably at times.
While I have been walking (more like strolling, no, crawling) through the years of babyhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding for the past 7years non stop, which is only small compared to some other parents efforts, I realise I find it easy to want to cling to these years, and not give them away or move through them. However, a wise friend once told me, that the next set of years are equally rewarding, in watching your first born and their siblings, develop and grow into the little personalities that have been forming since the moment they were conceived.
I love that! I needed to hear someone tell me "the next 7 years are just as awesome, just different". We often are told, cherish this time, you'll blink and it will be over". I tell you, I certainly feel neck deep in my baby years/small children years, and loving it! My amazing sexy and ocean-sparkle-eyed husband and I try to soak in everything this stage has to give, painfully aware that it will be over all too soon. We open our arms and hearts to everything this has to give, gently encouraging the other when they are tired, and missing a story or cool one legged jump, or completed puzzle that a child is frantically trying to show us. We are learning to embrace the end of this stage, not with regret for its end, but with adoration for the journey, and anticipation of the next stage. I carefully place the memories, the moments, the smells, the giggles, the baby cuddles, the craziest nappiest changes, and the most inspiring and cackle worthy first sentences and words into my special heart places to revisit and cherish, forever.
I with my first born by my side, bravely look towards the next journey of our relationship as mother and child, and firmly ground myself in the things of today, without fear of tomorrow. I want to anchor in these baby days for the time being, until, my little babes are ready to go to the next fishing hole, and make new memories, take new steps of growth, and teach me way more about myself than I ever thought parenting would.
I love you dear first born. Thank you. xx Mummy